Relationship Communication Breakdown:
The Greatest Hindrance

Having a relationship communication breakdown is troubling. It happens on teams, with friends and within families. I’ll share the greatest hindrance to improvement, along with tips and ideas about what to do about it when it happens.

Don't miss the video at the end. And don't forget 'hit me up with comments' by sharing your questions and insights on this topic.

I now know what home sick means – it means that going home can make you sick.

This month I went to my home town in S.C. to see my very adorable nephew, Jesse, graduate from high school. I’m so proud of him. Dinners and celebration around his graduation and bright future were fun and very happy.

The home ‘sick’ part came in when my parents, in separate conversations, shared with me the troubles they were having with each other. (Note to all parents out there – don’t do this even with an adult child. Find a counselor.)

Even though they’re having a relationship communication breakdown now, I know enough to know that they love each other after 48 years of marriage, and that they have had many good times together.

I also know that venting, just letting someone express their feelings, can be therapeutic. I’m a true believer in aggressive listening; it can help people find their own answers.

What made this relationship communication breakdown and my visit feel like home ‘sickness’ was seeing how enmeshed they are in their ‘arguments’ against the other.

I know that the more they argue for their position, the more stuck they become, and the less likely any change will come about.

This 'blame game' dynamic is the same thing that can make working with teams and leaders challenging.

Often when teams and leaders have a relationship communication breakdown they get stuck in how ‘right’ they are. Righteously ‘beating the drum’ of the problem, hindering their ability to hear, find and create new and lasting solutions.

" We can't solve problems by using the
same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
---Albert Einstein

It’s natural for people to see what they don’t want and to talk about it. Unfortunately, the more you talk about what you don’t want, the more you see it.

The more you see what you don’t want, the more aggravated and frustrated you get. From this focused place of irritation, nothing can change.

For example, my neighbors dislike Jane. They think she’s rude and crass and they talk about her incessantly. And guess what? They have rude and crass arguments with her about all sorts of ‘dumb’ things.

When we moved across the street from Jane 6 years ago people were eager to share their ‘Jane’ stories. We decided to focus differently. We’ve never had any ‘Jane’ incidents. In fact, she gets our paper and feeds the cat when we’re out of town. We have a different relationship with Jane.

Why?

The greatest hindrance to happy anything (relationships, teams, good work, winning contracts, anything) is the individual feeling of lack of empowerment.

When we feel as though our happiness is at the mercy of another person's mood, personality or actions - things that we think they should change, we get stuck. We can’t make anyone be different.

And when we’re in the midst of a relationship communication breakdown, and we believe that someone or something must change in order for us to feel better, well, no wonder we get frustrated – that’s the epitome of a loss of empowerment.

So, my folks can choose to stay in their argument because each one is ‘right’ - they each have very valid points that they can argue.

Or they can try to do the only thing that ever works: empower themselves by taking charge of their part in the problem.

When we shift our focus to something we can control we feel more empowered, energy shifts, we’re not as frustrated and from here, new ideas and insights are available to us. Eventually, the relationship can shift and evolve.

Are you blaming your team, an employee, a partner, a friend or a spouse for anything? If you are, and you’re feeling like nothing’s changing, try the only thing that ever works: take charge by focusing on what YOU can do: work on your own part in the situation.

Yes, they may need to do something different.

Neighbor Jane could be nicer, Dad could be less selfish and Mom could be less needy, but don’t count on it. Do the only thing that works – empower yourself by focusing on what you can control, you.

When I find myself blaming another in any relationship communication breakdown, when I start feeling that kick in my gut that frustration brings, here's what I do to take control of me and my focus:

1. Reminder: I remind myself that I can’t control one other person. As I remember this - I stop trying to control.
2. Venting: I write in my journal – usually venting a bit about what’s happening and how ‘wrong’ they are! After a while I get tired of myself and the argument. Counselors are a great resource too.
3. Appreciation: Venting privately allows me to move from judgment to a more empowered mindset. I use appreciation to shift my focus from what's wrong to all that's right. I make lists of positive aspects about my life in general and then make lists about what I appreciate about that person or situation.
4. Deciding: From a feeling place of appreciation I can usually find and feel a new viewpoint. This new viewpoint will only come about if you decide to look for it... otherwise, you'll just go back to the blame game.

Click here to watch a video talk I did on why appreciation works. I also share how I use another self empowerment tool: the focus wheel.

"Can you hear us when we say, the vibration that's active within you, when you have a question or a problem, is an entirely different vibration of the solution. When you're beating the drum of: I don't know; I don't know. Where is it, I can't find it. What's wrong, I can't find it. Even though you sound like you're asking for a solution, the problem is so active within you that you're holding yourself outside of the vortex where the answer is."
---Abraham

When you feel the blame game start, try the only thing that ever works: step back, find your own empowerment. You'll be amazed how changing your viewpoint creates a new dynamic.

Suzie Notes and a Relationship Communication Breakdown Update: I wrote this article several days ago. I just got off the phone with my folks, they were on a date- dinner and movie and they seemed to be having fun. Yea! They've re-remembered that they like each other. Isn't love grand?

Am I the only one who experiences this type of home ‘sickness’ when going home? Can any one else relate?

What do you think – does appreciation have a place in a relationship communication breakdown, even when the other person is truly 'wrong'?

What do you do when you’re frustrated with an employee, spouse or friend - to make improvements?

What helps you solve problems with employees when they’re behaving ‘badly’?

Hit Me Up With Your Comments...

Let me know what you think about my suggestions and what you do when faced with relationship communication breakdowns.

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