My Best Relationship Problem Advice:
Stop Giving Advice!

Here’s my best relationship problem advice: Stop giving advice!

In this article find out why advice-giving can be detrimental. Discover the three tools and mind set used by great leaders, salespeople and communicators to build great relationships. Also, don't miss the rubber band action step at the end of this article.

Great Relationship Problem Advice:"Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take." --- Josh Billing, American Humorist (1818 -1885)

Let me start with a real life example: I was enjoying a business meeting at a restaurant during lunch time with a talented and interesting colleague. Overall it was a really good meeting. We were able to sit outside on a beautiful spring day and we covered everything on our agenda.

The meeting turned sour for me when this colleague started offering advice around something I’d not asked about. He shared,

“You should try out this workout system. I’ve lost 10 pounds and I’ve never felt better. Let me tell you all about it. They have this workout technique... They’re located...Here let me give you the web address, it’s...”

He talked on and on and on for more than fifteen minutes trying to convince me to try this new fitness system that he loved.

It was slightly annoying because the information was not a fit for me. I've been active in fitness since my 20's. I have a home gym with commercial equipment that I use daily.

I know his intentions were pure. He was just excited, and I know that he sincerely likes to help people.

His rambling was not a big deal in our relationship. But, if he has a habit of not listening, by consistently offering unasked for advice and information, eventually his relationships will suffer and he'll be looking for some relationship problem advice!

• Why do so many of us feel so compelled to give advice?
• How many of us are unaware of this relationship problem advice and are sharing information with good intentions, but unknowingly turning people off and away from us?
• How do we know when to share what we know and when to just shut up and listen?

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM ADVICE:
HOW AND WHEN ‘THE GREAT ONES’ SHARE ADVICE

As I observe great leaders, sales people and communicators I see a common belief system. There are also three tools and that ‘The Great Ones’ use often.

Think about the great leaders, sales people and communicators you see and observe in your world. Do they have this mind set and do they use these three tools?

Relationship Problem Advice:
The Mind set of ‘The Great Ones’

The Mindset of ‘The Great Ones’ includes the following beliefs:

• Everyone can access and use their own Guidance and Wisdom.
• Seeking to understand is crucial before I try to be understood.
• Words alone don’t teach, life experience teaches.
• My example is my message.
• My way is not the only way, it’s just A way.
• Reaching for, and often seeing, the best in people.
• Expecting the best from others.

Relationship Problem Advice:
Three Tools ‘The Great Ones’ Use

1. First Skill/Tool: Advice Requires Permission (ARP): Have you ever given the best advice to someone and they completely ignored it OR they get defensive and angry with you?

   I have.

   And I know now, that when that happens, chances are good that I gave advice without permission. Giving something not asked for is the single biggest contributor to building resistance and aggravation in sales, leadership and family relationships.

   At some level every one of us knows we’re smart, independent, wise and capable – and when someone tries to tell us what we should do before we’ve asked for their input, it’s feels like an insult. It discounts our experience, insights, internal wisdom, our ability to decide and our natural desire for independence.

   While the person offering advice is usually just trying to be helpful, all the receiver hears is, “Since you don’t know and are probably not going to figure this out – let wise ole’ me show you the way.”

   Giving advice without permission is dis-empowering. It also short circuits the learning process and throws all kinds of resistance, tension and roadblocks into the relationship.

2. Second Skill/Tool: Lead By Inviting Input and Participation: This tool is powerful. This is the art of seeking to understand the other person's viewpoint, ideas, thoughts and insights.

   "The first duty of love is to listen."
   ---Paul Tillich, German Philosopher

   Through the art of asking questions you develop and strengthen the relationship. By inviting input you use this other piece of relationship problem advice shared in previous articles which is how to cultivate a positive sense of sense in another. As you seek to understand the other person’s viewpoint you empower them and deepen the relationship.

   Three top three things that stop us from inviting others to share their thoughts and insights:

   1. Insecurity. We’re feeling insecure so we try to prove our expertise and dominance by controlling the situation.
   2. Exuberance. We’re sincerely excited about whatever we’re doing and we just want to share it with everyone.
   3. Fear. We’re afraid that seeking to understand means that we’re weak, that we’ll get bogged down in dialogue and that we’ll never get anything done.

   
   

   "If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut." ---Albert Einstein

3. Third Skill/Tool: Listen Aggressively: This means to hear with determination and energetic pursuit, demonstrating a desire to understand. Listening aggressively something active that you do.
   

   “The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” ---Henry David Thoreau

   This kind of listening requires focus and intention. So few people are good at listening aggressively, that if you cultivate this skill, using it consciously as you interact with your employees, your team, your colleagues, your clients, family members and friends – you’ll immediately improve and deepen every relationship in your life.

   Listening aggressively is subtle and oh so powerful. Be a person who listens aggressively and you’ll stand out in a good way. The pay back you’ll receive in cooperation, increased business and love will blow you away.

So, what action can you take right now to remember to put to use this relationship problem advice?

Here’s what I recommend: Recall anyone and everyone in your life with whom the relationship is strained or not as strong as you like.

Commit to using this relationship problem advice of not giving advice unless asked in all of your future conversations with this person or these people. In every future exchange keep your focus on understanding what that person is saying. Ask questions and listen aggressively.

A good reminder trick is to put a rubber band on your wrist and pop yourself anytime you start giving advice before you're asked. Use that pop to remind yourself to ask questions, listen and to only share advice when someone asks.

Check out this article, for more tools.The Forgotten Charismatic Leadership Skill: Listening Aggressively

Let me know what you think – is this relationship problem advice something that you see gets in the way of your own or others success?

Let me know if you try the rubber band and if you notice a positive difference in your relationships by holding back advice until asked. (Send me an email note via the form below and I'll publish anonymously some of your comments.)

I’ll close with two of my favorite quotes about this relationship problem advice to stop giving advice and becoming a better listener:

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." ---Robert McCloskey, author and illustrator of childrens books

"Advice after injury is like medicine after death " ---Proverb quotes

Note: Thank you to my friend Maggie for sharing her pastor’s interaction guideline of Advice Requires Permission (ARP). It’s the perfect complement to explain the the skills and mindsets of great leaders, salespeople and communicators.

Priceless Friends Comment...

Steve says, "You weren't talking about me were you Suzie? I enjoy your newsletters and am currently working on my own listening and communication skills. So I appreciate this relationship problem advice article!

I find quite often that selling skills are the polar opposite of training skills.....training skills are more about telling and putting on a live performance where were there to entertain and selling is more about asking the right questions and than listening aggressively as your newsletter suggests."

Suzie replies, "Steve, thank you for your comments. For me this is a lifetime of learning... so glad to know I'm not the only one working on it!"

KR says, "Suzie, Thank you. I thought the McCloskey quote on speaking / listening was poignant and I am guilty as charged!

'I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.' Hope you are doing well."

Mark said, "Great "advice! I especially like the phrase 'Listen Aggressively.'

Gordy said, "Hope all is well! I enjoyed the article on Relationship Advice – another example of why God gave us two ears and one mouth!"

Lisa said, "Suzie, Thanks for the article on giving advice. It was so timely for me because I caught myself doing this last week!"

Suzie replies, "Thank you all for tuning in, reading and sharing your thoughts."

"KR - I agree that is one of my fav. quotes."

"Mark, more to come on Listening Aggressively next month. Cool little tool helps hone that skill, always popular in classes, too. I look forward to sharing it and getting your feedback."

"Gordy, you are sooo right. TWO ears!"

"Lisa, I'm glad it was helpful, we're all in this together!"

I add relationship problem advice articles often. To be notified of updates, click on the bright green RSS feed, up and to your left.

You can also be notified when new material is added through my online eNewsletter.

Join the Wake Up Eager Community & List Get My Email on the List: