Defeat All Communication Anxiety & Worry:
3 Key Communication Skill Builders

Mastermind Mini-Workshop

You gotta get good at overcoming any and all communication anxiety if you want to advance and grow your career.

To see video versions of this mini-workshop article, click here.

Being able to communicate clearly, calmly and effectively when conflict, mis-communication and tension arises in working relationships (and it will) is crucial to leader and life success.

Because communication and resolving conflict is so important to effective leadership, this item...

...is included in the free Wake Up Eager quiz.

Here You'll get three key communication skill builder step-by-step resources and a clear meeting process for resolving conflict with others and between team members.

When conflict or tension arises, if we don't have communication tools to guide us, we're usually too easy (we say 'yes', and we leave frustrated because we meant to say 'no') or too harsh (we 'mow' the other person or people over and leave 'dead bodies' in the hallway).

Research shows that 60-80% of all difficulties in organizations stem from strained relationships between employees, not from deficits in individual employee’s skill or motivation.
(Daniel Dana, Managing Differences: How to Build Better Relationships at Work and Home,2005, 4th ed.)

The typical manager spends 25-40% of his or her time dealing with workplaceconflicts. That’s one to two days of every work week. (Washington Business Journal, May 2005.)

Often times, due to communication anxiety, we ignore conflict, hoping it'll just 'go away'.

Unfortunately, it almost never goes away, it usually just gets bigger.

Ben and Kevin were forced to work together when Ben was brought into this technology company as CEO and President. The Founder, Kevin was demoted from those exact roles, and was instructed to report to Ben.

As if the situation, in of itself was not bad enough, Ben and Kevin had completely different styles, backgrounds and values.

Ben the 'outsider' and new CEO, was crisp, professional and formal. He wore fines suits and a country club smile. He graduate from Harvard and Carnegie Mellon.

Kevin, the demoted company Founder, was the exact opposite. He dressed in jeans and blazers and was proud of his West Georgia College degree and his wins in the 'real' world. He prided himself on his ability to navigate and win, in what he called, the 'real world and school of hard knocks.'

Ben and Kevin were at first too easy with each other, trying not to step on each others toes. They were guarded and frustrated with each other.

Their communication then turned into heated debates and arguments. In one meeting, they almost got into a fist fight!

That's when they started ignoring each other.

When potential investor agreed to add substantial money, that would help the company grow, but only under certain conditions, and one of those conditions was that Ben and Kevin find a way to work together.

Ben and Kevin both agreed, for the good of the company, to try to resolve their disagreements. The road map they took included these three keys:

1. They each took personal responsibility for their actions and attitudes. For a free My Taking Responsibility Quotient Quiz and Action Plan Workbook, click here.



“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”
---William James



2. They each spent time understanding how their communication strengths and blind spots were adding more tension to the situation.

   Get your copy of a free personality style quadrants, Situational Leadership, eBook, here and information about your customized style assessment, here.




“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”
---Anthony Robbins



3. They followed the Wake Up Eager Defeat Communication Anxiety and Resolve Conflict Process and Guidelines. See Action Plan Worksheets here and full details below.

Use this process to manage peer to peer conflict and for facilitating conflict between employees.

• Prior to the discussion each participant privately answered these questions:
1. The three meetings and/or exchanges between us that have bothered me most are...
2. Specific actions that I'd like you to continue doing...
3. Specific actions I'd like you to stop doing...
4. Specific actions I'd like you to start doing...

DISCUSSION GUIDELINES:

Setting up and agreeing to a code of conduct or discussion guidelines ensures a more objective, less threatening exchange. For more on meeting guidelines read this leadership article: Why I Hate Meetings.

Sample guidelines designed to reduce communication anxiety and friction when trying to resolve conflict...

• Do not interrupt the other person.
• One person talks at a time.
• Listen closely, listen to understand, not to argue your point.
• Disagreement and different viewpoints are okay---we can agree to disagree.
• Everything does not have to be resolved today.
• Cell phones off and no interruptions allowed.
• During the discussion they picked the most important situation or meeting (out of the three, from the prework). They each took turns in each role as Listener and Talker, following these specific skill steps:


1. Talker Shares His View of the Problem For example: Ben shared the exchange between the two of them bothered him the most. He shared why it bothered him and its impact. As he talked, Kevin's job was to listen and ask questions, only for clarification.
2. Listener Restates the Talker's View of the Problem For example: Kevin restated what he thought he heard Ben say. Kevin shared without adding his own commentary and without trying to defend or explain. The Listener's job is to simply summarize and reflect back the Talker's key points.
3. Talker Confirms Accuracy of What the Listener Shared For example: Ben confirmed the areas of Kevin's restatements that were correct and addressed anything Kevin missed.
4. Both: Confirm and Agree on the Facts
5. Both: Discuss Solutions By this time, most or all defensiveness about the situation has gone away and been worked through. That's because steps 1, 2 & 3 ensure that the Talker's view is clearly understood. It does not mean they need to agree - but because the Talker's been able to share his viewpoint, they can NOW begin productively discussing possible solutions.Click here for Reducing Resistance By Listening Aggressively resources
6. Both: Agree on Next Steps Schedule a Date to Review Progress Don't skip this step. Scheduling a time for review will ensure that each feel accountable to the agreements made, increasing the possibility that real change in the relationship will take place.
7. Switch Roles. Go back to step 1. The Listener becomes the Talker.

I've used this process so many times. It works! Try it and you'll trust it like I do. Just follow the steps.

I'm happy to report that Ben and Kevin were able to present a united front to their investors. Years later they both sold the company at a handsome profit.

If you want to be really good at quickly correcting misunderstandings and mis-communications when they occur, at defeating any and all communication anxiety and stress, be sure to master these skill areas:

• Take Responsibility
• Situational Leadership and naming, claiming and managing your style strengths and blind spots.

• Follow the Wake Up Eager Defeat Communication Anxiety and Resolve Conflict Guidelines and Process

How do you handle conflict? Have you tried this process? What's working well? What's hard? Have you tried things you'd advise others to avoid?

What are some of your secrets to handling communication anxiety around conflict? Do you have any tips that would benefit others?

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