The Forgotten Charismatic Leadership Skill: Listening Aggressively

This charismatic leadership article will provide practical steps for bringing more charisma – a learn-able skill and art – to every conversation and interaction.

You'll see how how subsuming your desire to control, speak and shine creates a dynamic of openness, commitment and leads to powerful charisma and therefore, influence with others.

Don't miss the demonstration exercise and audio example of how to use this skill located near the end of this article. Also get free worksheet and access to free online quizzes, below.

Charismatic leadership is the ability to inspire enthusiasm and interest by means of influence.

Someone who has charisma is able to reduce resistance, while conveying confidence and by providing comfort.

In the best sense, charismatic leadership is not manipulative energy or a magical gift endowed upon select personalities. Rather, it's an attractive blend of learn-able qualities.

When I think about the power of charisma it reminds me of this real-life situation from 10 years ago. Here’s what happened:

Cynthia and Bob were launching a new business and they’d asked me get involved.

I reviewed their plan and gave it some thought. I decided that while the idea was interesting, it was not a fit. At our next meeting I was direct with them, letting them know I would not be working with them on this venture.

I braced myself for their appeals and attempts to change my mind. I dreaded this part the most.

Instead they assured me that they understood. They said something kind and supportive like,

“Well, we’re disappointed, but we know that this must be something that only you can decide. We really appreciate you considering it..."

They easily, with no pressure, started asking questions. The questions were about my opinions and insights. It didn't feel manipulative. They seemed to have a sincere desire to understand my viewpoint.

As I got involved in the discussion, I forgot about what I didn’t like. I felt engaged, understood and energized. Before I knew it we were in a high energy strategy session.

And to my amazement, before the meeting was over, I’d signed up to get involved.

They didn’t coerce me. They didn’t list all the reasons I needed to do this. They didn’t show testimonials. They didn’t press me in any way.

What did they do? They used the forgotten skill of charismatic leadership – listening aggressively .

Listening aggressively is to hear with determination and energetic pursuit, demonstrating a desire to understand.

Through their desire to understand me and my insights – my resistance dissolved. Their probing questions allowed me to express freely. I then came around on my own.

"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."
---Henry David Thoreau

Listening Aggressively Exercise

This exercise demonstrates how to reduce resistance through listening aggressively, and why it is a key charismatic leadership skill:

Put your palms together in front of your chest. Let your right arm be someone who has resistance (in my scenario – that would be me).

Your left arm is the leader (that’s entrepreneurs' Cynthia and Bob). When both hands press together the two stay stuck in the middle. If you hold this position for a while, the strain increases in both arms and there’s no movement or change.

Now, put your hands in the same starting position. Move your right arm and palm to the left, push against your left hand.

This time let your left hand give in, so the right hand keeps moving to the left. At some point your right hand will stop.

It will have pushed as far as it can go. If you hold that position, you will notice that your right hand gets tired and drops of its own weight.

The left hand (the charismatic leader) is allowing the right hand to move to its own ends.

Contracted, but un-opposing, the left hand can maintain its position with no tension and little loss of energy.

That’s exactly what Cynthia and Bob did. They did not oppose my decision, they allowed me to fully express it. This released my own resistance, increased understanding between us and caused me to move with them, instead of against them.

They listened aggressively.

"When it comes to charismatic leadership the bottom line is other-mindedness." ---Author John Maxwell

Use these four Listening Aggressively Skills Steps (The acronym: R.P.S.A)

R.P.S.A. will help you to be the 'left-hand'. It is a questioning and listening model to help you bring 'other mindedness' and charismatic leadership skill and influence to every conversation.

1. R.

   Reflect - Verify and Clarify

   Example from Cynthia and Bob scenario: “So, you’ve decided you’re not interested in this business idea?”

   Reflecting demonstrates listening and invites me to say more. This lowers resistance in the person who’s speaking – because like me they’re usually bracing for, or dreading, an argument.

2. P.

   Probe - Ask Clarifying Questions to Understand.

   Example from Cynthia and Bob scenario: “Do you mind if we ask a few questions, we’d love to get your thoughts...” “What did you think about...?”

   Once I felt they heard me and were not trying to manipulate me, I relaxed and we got into sharing ideas, problem solving and an honest exchange of insights.

3. S.

   Supporting -Demonstrate Understanding

   Example from Cynthia and Bob scenario: “Gosh, we’re disappointed. But we understand. This has to be your decision.”

   You can show understanding even if you disagree, you can almost always gain and express understanding of the other person's viewpoint. If you’ve been sincere you can then, successfully, move to the next step.

4. A.

   Advising - Provide Facts, Making a Recommendation

   Example from Cynthia and Bob scenario: “We fully respect your decision. We did want to share that our investor confirmed this morning that he’s on board and is investing x amount.”

   If you advise too early, the person stays in resistance and just digs in their heels, no matter how true and great your advice is. But if resistance is gone, like in my scenario, I’m not pushing any more, my feelings have ‘blown through” I can now hear this very good news. And I’m now ready to participate.

Would other people say you have these negative listening habits? Use this funny worksheet about negative listening habits to find out if others would say you're the ,i>'Happy Hooker' or 'The Faker'. Also get an R.P.S.A. memory jogger card. Download negative listening habits worksheet & memory jogger card, here.

Here's another, handout, just one page. Click to download a PDF of the audio, R.P.S.A. Charismatic Leadership Listening Aggressively steps,

"The first duty of love is to listen."
---Philosopher Paul Tllich

I teach R.P.S.A. in every leadership and sales course because you can’t talk people out of how they are feeling.

This charismatic leadership skill helps the resistance blow itself out – like a storm passing. The worst thing you can do is fight the storm/resistance head on. Much of the time feelings pass when they’re expressed directly.

R.P.S.A. is a great facilitation process because it works! But, like most things, it only works - when you use it!

You want someone to do something. They don’t want to do it. You push. They push. No progress is made.

This happens every day with customers, colleagues, family members and friends. Transform aggravation to acceptance and compliance to commitment. Use this, now not forgotten charismatic leadership skill, listen aggressively with R.P.S.A.

Your Wisdom, Comments and Tips...

So what you YOU think? Is listening important? Who's the best listener you know? What impact did that person have on you? Are leaders generally good at this skill or bad at it? Why? What hat other skills do you think are important to charismatic leadership? What do YOU do to make sure you listen? What tips can you share?

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What Other Wake Up Eager Community Members Shared:

Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...

Absolute Listening  Suzie,

After my recent training, you and I know well that listening is the biggest key to communicating. I realize more each day just how important ...

On Target with Listening  Suzie ... I totally agree and found new and refreshed thoughts from the 'read'. I will forward to others as it is a high priority in gaining credibiity ...

Listening IS Key: RPSA Works  I find that most leaders don't listen very well. They (including myself) are very busy talking and telling.

Thanks for the reminder about RPSA. I ...

Give time for other's responses  I am a fast thinker and quick communicator. If there is 5 seconds of silence after I ask a question or make a comment I start talking again.

I have ...

ABSORBING Everything I Said...  I believe learning to listen effectively, both to myself and others, is one of the key skills which helped develop my career over the last few years.

I ...

To Go First? Or Lead From Behind?  It’s exciting more and more consultants are getting this message out to leaders. Listening is critically important for anyone in business, and especially ...

Like Putting Wings on Catepillars  I agree with Trevor that listening is about being present. Leaders (people) who are present are not distracted by all kinds of intervening thoughts and ...

Transformational Leadership  Thanks for a wonderful topic, Suzie. Listening truly is the lost art of leadership. I have never heard of aggressively listening (sounds intimidating), so ...

The Key to Listening Is...  The key to listening is to be present at all times , all too often people who think they are listening drift off into thoughts of their own.


SUZIE'...

Present Moment Awareness  Listening is different from hearing. Hearing is simply a mechanical function of the parts of the ear sending signals to the brain.

Listening is connecting ...

Sage Advice 30 Years Ago  Some sage advice from one of my first managers 30 years ago:
- Talk less, listen more

- Make fewer statements on what you know and ask more questions ...

Like Tug of War...  I loved the example of the yoga position.

As an energy therapist, I can totally relate to allowing the push to remove your need to pull. Much like ...

Difficult to Do  Excellent article. My thought wasn't that it was an forgotten skill, rather it is difficult to do.

As I thought about this, I get 200+ emails a day,...

Check Out This Book...  Have you read "Listening The Forgotten Skill" by Madelyn Burley-Allen ISBN# 0-471-08776-9. The book is about how effective listening can aid in professional ...

Emotional Intelligence Equation  Listening could be included as a part of one's emotional intelligence equation. The better you control your emotions, the better you are able to concentrate ...

Listen for Possibility Not the Flaw  I don't think listening is lost, but perhaps it is misplaced and hard to find. It certainly is not in vogue on talk radio or in congress.

Many conversations ...

Ask Permission to Ask Questions and Take Notes  Absolutely is a lost art. I always ask permission to ask questions, followed by asking permission to make notes.

This directs my attention to listening ...

Lost Art  I do think that listening is a lost art. It is because we we concentrate to much on the reply and also because many time we already have our minds made ...

It is Vital!  Listening is absolutely vital to true leadership! And understanding, even more vital!

I, too, have spent the better part of my life's journey exploring ...

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